September 14, 2010
XVIII

On my jog yesterday morning, I started to cry.

I was listening to the song called “A Wavin’ Flag” by Knaan.  The lyrics go as follows: “when I get older, I will be stronger, they’ll call me Freedom, just like a waving flag… I heard them say, love is the answer, love is the way… but for now we say, ‘when I get older I will be stronger, they’ll call me Freedom, just like a waving flag… and they all will be singing it, we all will be singing it…”

I’ve always wanted and strived to be “older” and “stronger” in my life.  The words in that song make my stride surer as I jog past the Forsyth crowd.  I raise my chin, quicken my pace, straighten my shoulders and I start to cry.

I’m 25 and I would love to say that now, my life is easy.  I would love to say that I have passed my youth and am capable of surviving on my own.  I wish I were wiser and braver and tougher.

The truth is, I miss my Mom… I see pictures of friend’s weddings I knew nothing about and it hurts… I miss my friends, I wish I weren’t so lonely, I wish a good night’s sleep could mend nights of heartache and homesickness.  I wish I could wake up to smiling faces of dear friends surrounding me like a sea of teddy bears and I could sweep them close to my heart and bury into them and hug them until I slept, quieted and calmed, knowing when I awoke, they would be there, waiting, keeping me warm, letting me sleep, so we could smile together in the morning.  I wish, I wish, I wish.

…when I get older I will be stronger, they’ll call me Freedom, just like a waving flag…